And I am Stronger Now

The Spring Semester had begun about 3 weeks ago, in that time frame I’ve already dropped my Pre-Calc class. I needed to though as I couldn’t understand what was going on. The professor seemed nice but the way he was teaching just wasn’t working out for me. I’ve been doing ok on the New Years list I posted in my previous entry. I unfortunately am still struggling with the saving money and losing weight part but I’ll get there! In other news my problem with Zune got solved. I’ll post an update on that tomorrow.

So on to the topic at hand! People have asked me if I am ever going to go back to Liquid. I always fell silent at this questions because I didn’t want to talk about it. But more and more this question is being asked and I figured I’d clear it up.

The truth is I have no intentions of returning to Liquid Church at the moment period. I did the whole Jesus thing through HS and in all honesty I wasn’t happy. I was more so stressed then anything and some of my friends could see it. I continued through part of my freshman year of College but I eventually decided to stop going because I clearly wasn’t happy. I then picked up going every now and then again but still wasn’t happy. Eventually I met some people there who I at the time considered my friends, I’m not saying names simply out of respect. Anyways long story short I was so called “burned” by these people, I would wait and try to talk to them after the service but only to either be ignored or talked over and them running inside to an encore of the band and leaving me hanging out by myself. This resulted in me struggling to putting on a fake smile (though one could clearly see tears swelling if they looked close enough) as I passed people heading down stairs and just going to my car to head home, I didn’t even bother hanging around anymore or even saying bye to anyone I was with there because I knew what might happen.

Even people I would talk to who weren’t part of that group about what was going on in my life seemed to just rush the the conversation. Another indication to me that they were to busy to talk to me or simply didn’t care. The last time this happened, I left for good. I had experienced these things in a similar way before at my old church and I wasn’t going to go through it again. So I now no longer consider these people friends but just acquaintances and some of them I don’t even talk to for reason I’m not even sure of.  Plus when you don’t even hear from people in months asking how you’ve been and that they haven’t seen you around it makes one really wonder if one should even return. One person I will mention though has from time to time invited me to come and that’s Jeff, but I’ve been denying to go because of the reasons mentioned. So Jeff thank you for taking time to reach out even though I keep saying no, it truly does mean a lot.

Anyways don’t get me wrong it’s a great place but I just didn’t feel at home because of the above, again this is a brief explanation and I’m not going into names or extreme details. But with that said I took time to myself to just do my own thing. With that I learned to how to be myself and to not feel quilty for whether it be cursing or anything. I always felt like I was on a guilt trip in HS and part of College no matter what. I forget how long it’s been since I’ve been there (at Liquid) but over that time period I’ve changed into a better person and a lot of things about me so much that I’m  much more happier.  Which is something my really close friends haven’t seen in a long time. Does this mean I don’t believe in God? Of course not but it simply means I’ve decided to just do my own thing. Does it mean I’m completely done with Liquid? No,  in fact to both of those questions I’m leaving my options open. I’m not closed off to anything just right now I want to just do my own thing as previously stated.

Many people will probably be upset with me with this decision, I say this as two friends I have told this to got upset with me. One of them has respected my decision in time while the other hasn’t spoken to me in months. But I’m ok with that! My true friends are the ones who will respect the decision I made no matter what. Originally this title for this entry had no meaning behind it, it’s simply a line from a TrustCompany song but I look at what I’ve written and it’s shown that the title appropriately fits this entry. As  it is said in that one song by T.I. ft Rihanna “Just Live Your Life” and that’s what I’m doing.