I’m hurting Get over It

I need to say this because I can’t keep it bottled up inside anymore. All of you that are frustrated with me talking about my ex and I, well I’m hurting so get over it. I don’t think anyone, I mean ANYONE understands how much this girl meant to me because of our friendship. It was the strongest thing we had going for us. So go ahead be frustrated with me, ignore me, change topics I don’t care. Cause if I’m thinking about it and I need to talk about it a little bit when I’m around some of you I’m going to. I’m done pretending that I’m happy, forcing a smile I just can’t do it anymore. No one understands how hard it is to wake up in the morning, to take a shower without thinking about the friendship. To be alone in the car and have your mind race. It is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and I hate it.

There’s only four people I can legitimately say that will talk to me, reason things out and legitimately make me feel better and feel stronger. I’ve come a long way, but I can’t just “move on”. I’ve tried and tried, the end result has been me shoving my feelings deep down inside and ultimately it’s tearing me to shreds especially because I know the happiness is only temporary. I would do anything to have this girl back as my friend, despite what she has done. Because I know deep down inside she misses our friendship as much as I miss it. Her and I wrote letters to each other, and you can see how much she valued our friendship and how much I valued it. And none of you can ever fathom or understand that. So get angry with me, ignore me, do whatever you want because this pain is more then just the ending of a relationship, it’s losing my best friend, the person I shared many laughs with when I first met her a year ago, the person who broke down in my arms and cried when we were dancing last summer, the friend that I could go to when the world was caving in and vise versa.

I’m done talking to those who now just stay silent, who change the topic and I will just talk to those who are willing to talk to me, reason things out and getting me back up off the floor and those are the people I appreciate. If you don’t like it then just unfriend me or don’t talk to me. I can’t keep things bottled up inside anymore and pretending I’m ok. I want to be happy, and truthfully I can say I’ve been completely miserable day in and day out since November. I just want to be happy again, which will happen soon. I want my friend back, but that’s going to take a while. And right now for my healing process, I need to talk to those who have helped me up and off of the floor, because the truth is. That’s what’s really helped me and the sad part is I feel that there isn’t anyone I can really talk to anymore except those four.

Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Cell Phones

This post is primarily about Facebook but MySpace, Twitter and Cell Phones do fit into this.

Facebook is one of those sites where you love it or hate it. I’m caught in between, there’s a part of me that “loves” it because it’s allowed me to keep in touch with friends over sea’s and has given me the chance to be apart of some incredible things. But in the end what everything boils down to is that Facebook is just MySpace.

I hear all the time “Facebook isn’t MySpace, it’s better. It does this and this and that!”. Let’s face it though, that really isn’t truth now is it? Facebook you have profile information, MySpace you have profile information. Then you have music and games. Who else has those now? MySpace has them too. Though MySpace was behind in the games/apps category it was only a matter of time till the implemented it. Marketers, Corporations, Musicians are all flocking to Facebook much like they did with it’s competitor did previously. Tom was living the “Rock Star” life for a while and now Mark Zuckerburg is essentially in the same place. What all of these Marketers, Companies and Musicians fail to realize or at least what it seems like they fail to realize is that Facebook is NOT here to stay. Everyone it seems is putting their eggs in one basket much like they did with MySpace and they all got caught off guard. Let’s face it, has Facebook evolved much over the past few months or even year? Have there been any major milestones? The site will go the way of it’s competitor eventually. In fact Twitter will go the way of MySpace eventually too!

When the next big thing comes around, I’m not joining. I was a part of MySpace, I’m a part of Facebook, I am a part of Twitter. To be truthful I’m kind of sick of it all. My phone is connected to all three and I’m tired of it. I’m even sick of my phone. I get email and text messages constantly, I’ve reached the point where I’m considering just leaving my phone home for a day or two to so I’m disconnected from everyone and can just have time to myself quietly at work and at school. I’m tired of being connected, maybe it’s time for a change? We’ll see. But here’s a video my friend Jeff put together for his Multimedia Class. Their assignment was to stay off all forms of Social Media for five days and document their experiences. And this lines right up with everything I was saying.

The only thing I ever use Facebook for anymore is to talk to a few people, talk to a few friends in England every now and then and to help with the ADEMA Facebook Page. Other than that there is no use for it for me. The same goes for Twitter and MySpace (let’s face it I barely log into MySpace anymore). I’ve seriously contemplated deactivating my account, because I barely use it anymore, but also because it cuts out so much drama. It cuts out the having to watch what you have to say. Life seems much more complicated now with Facebook and all of these other services. What happened to simplicity? What happened to hearing things straight from some one or mailing pictures/letters (my girlfriend and I actually do this! Well minus the pictures haha). These social sites can be an awesome way to connect, but when it becomes overwhelming sometimes it’s nice to take a break and re-evaluate what Social Media means to you.

Life Gets Hectic Sometimes

I’ve neglected this blog for far too long. I originally planned on moving over to my own server with an actual wordpress installation but that isn’t possible. I’ve come to realize that I need an outlet to write at any given moment during my day at work. Sure I can write in a journal (and I do) but it’s easy forget things like that and leave it on your desk. I’m not going to make any promises of daily, weekly or monthly postings. It’s going to be a whatever comes to mind and whats going on in my life that I’d like to share. Some one here on the web is possibly going through something that they can benefit from reading by stumbling upon this blog. Let’s bring everything up to speed.

I learned a lot about who I am and who I would have ended up becoming over the past two years. It took burning bridges, ruining friendships, being alone for quite some time to grow and mature to be the person God wants me to be. It was through that, that I learned who my true friends were. I had this false notion, this fantasy that anyone I was friends with in the past I had to continue being friends with them no matter what it took. I sacrificed my own happiness, to please them to always say “Ok, yeah sure” or “Ok I won’t do that”. I never took the liberty of thinking for myself and saying “No this is my life, I’m doing this”. In the end I should have let go and if they came back later on then I’d know that we were meant to be friends after all. I held a tight grip which ultimately eventually lead to the end of those friendships. While it may have sucked I am forever thankful and grateful that God used that as a tool to open my eyes to see that I needed to let go.

The past few months have been a quite interesting experience. For a while I was attending a church that I thought accepted me for who I am, but then quickly learned that people are heavily influenced by other people’s views. I was cut off and was eventually just told every Sunday “Oh if you want to come to, you can.” after minutes of discussion of people making plans in front of me and then just walking off. I soon stopped going, soon started to see that this isn’t how us as Christians are supposed to treat one another. It’s no wonder why many people view Christians negatively. I mean if I wasn’t a Christian and I saw this going on I’d want to stay away. But no matter what whether you believe in God or not these things happen it’s unavoidable. However as Christians we are asked to not treat one another like this and we always seem to fall short. Anyway’s I soon left and then a few months later God brought me to a church that was in the process of being “planted” so to speak. He put some incredible people in my life that truly accepted me, that has the compassion and love Jesus would have for others. We just launched on September 19th in Mountainside, NJ as Oasis Church. I am part of their media team running the worship and message presentations from the ProPresenter software. I’m also heading up on launching their Facebook page, it’s pretty much set to go but need to make a few minor adjustments. To be honest any time whenever I did media type  things at previous churches I felt broken down and just not wanting to do any of it. My heart wasn’t in it at all, but here it’s different and I finally found a place to call my church home.

Over the summer I told one of my close friends that I was interested in her and to my surprise I found out that she was too. We decided to wait on it though and grow even closer especially because there was a lot going on at the time. In August we made it official and in a week it will be two months. Now here’s the thing, one and two months anniversaries aren’t a  major milestone or anything. But in my eyes, it’s one of those things after whats happened this past summer that makes me think “Wow we’ve almost been together for two months, while it’s not big thing. It does show me how wonderful God is and how he put some one as beautiful and warmhearted as this girl is in my life.” and I actually think that a lot, but there is something about the day we started dating that makes it stand out more. I’m not going to lie it’s been difficult, very difficult. More so then her and I would have imagined. There are times where I’ve thought “God where are you in this?” or where I’ve felt like utter crap knowing we wouldn’t see each other for a while because let’s face it I miss her. But through God’s strength, and our trust and care for one another we will endure this. I’m keeping things vague for privacy reasons and maybe one day eventually I’ll talk openly about it. But my main point is that no matter what you are going through God is there and He will pull through for you. Much like he has with my girlfriend and I. So keep your head up, remember He is there even in the darkest times. It may not seem like it but he really is. Well time to go write another post, I was thinking of including another topic in this one but figured it was best to separate them.

Frustrations Abound!

Since the end of November 09 and the beginning of December 09 I’ve been working on a game being developed in the Game Maker engine with the project name Crazy Guy. Since then the game has been delayed like you wouldn’t believe.

A game that is suppose to be about 20 minutes long has been delayed for two months. Some of you may be asking yourselves the question “How is this possible?”. Well in the early stages, I began coding for it, mind you I had little experience in the Game Maker Language. While my knowledge with it has increased it’s not the best of the best. I  asked my two team members to do various different things, one was in charge of music and the other was to help me with coding and art. I originally had one other person on the project but he had to drop out to due to other projects. I struggled with coding for a long time, my team member who was suppose to help me code and do art had to drop out due to personal issues which is completely understandable.

After a few weeks, I dropped development of it because of finals and playing “WW(C)D” an ARG that one of my friends created which consumed my evenings. Eventually development picked back up but then I stopped shortly after as the semester was beginning and I figured this would be a great time to see who was still interested and get a team going again. I sent a message out to the two team members, along with sending a message to a friend who’s interested in writing the story and some one who I was put in touch with to do art. I got messages back saying everyone was on board except one person. “Awesome! I finally have a team!” then two more people joined on. More and more it started to look like I could have this done in a few weeks, I couldn’t have been more wrong. With in about a week everyone (except for my one friend and the one person I was put in touch with) bailed. I’d bring it up and the attitude I pretty much got from everyone was that they aren’t interested and have no plans on ever contributing to this game.

I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. I mean I am the lead designer of this project, I’m the one that’s suppose to be holding all of this together right? I didn’t do such a great job with doing that especially with holding myself accountable with this game. But now I’m trying to change that, I’m trying to get this done but it’s extremely hard when your the only person who’s doing all the work trying to push this forward. I’m beginning the process of reaching out to my friend who is doing the story and the one person that was reccomended to me who said they would do art. I just wish there was more support behind this from everyone else who said they would help and then just bailed. Like I said before though I can’t blame them though for being skeptical about the project or even annoyed when I bring it up. It would just be nice to not feel frustrated and know there are people who actually give a damn about it as much as I do.

So here I am exhausted, annoyed, frustrated, confused. Why simply because there seems to be no support behind this besides myself. A lesson to be learned from all of this for those that are reading, don’t do what I did. If you are on a project and are the lead designer stick with it and stay on top of everyone it really makes things so much easier. Right now at this moment, I’m writing all the code with some input and help from many different people who are helping with understanding the Game Maker Language. If any of my team members are still interested, I’ll gladly let them back on but guidelines are being put in place. One more drop off and their out. I’ll keep the status of this game posted on here,  as much as it’s been frustrating to develop I’m still excited to get this completed and release.

A Year in Review

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here and a big change I made on this blog is the name of it. With that I also chose to delete some posts to give this blog a bit of an overhaul. For my first post of the year I figured it would be nice to do a year in review of my blog post from last January on how well I did of following my 2009 New Years Resolution. It’s been a crazy year filled with it’s ups and its downs.

2009 Resolution Review

1. Be More Out Going – I succeeded in this with many thanks to some new friends I made over the summer. Every Sunday night I go out to Colorado Cafe in Watchung, NJ. I was hesitant at first with the whole line dancing thing or dancing in general. I loosened up though and fully enjoy dancing. I still have a long ways to go a year ago I couldn’t even imagine myself doing such a thing. So with that many thanks go out to my BFF Erin, Jesse, Krystin, Katie, and Sam.

2. Loosen Up – Certainly have loosened up a whole lot over the course of the year and yet again thanks to the friends I listed above. But there’s this is something that will always be a journey so to speak. Jesse would certainly agree to that with me. But in the end I met this goal so to speak.

3. Return to my original weight -  I was almost there, back in August. But I got lazy stopped running, stopped doing Wii Fit. I quickly went from 170lbs back to 190lbs. But I’m getting back out there in the game. If I was able to lose 20lbs during the month August I can certainly lose more and maintain the weight I want to be at. So this one was not met.

4. Save Up Money – Not met at all. One thing after another I had to shell out money for different things or just didn’t spend/save wisely. I won’t be leaving Raritan Valley till next Fall and Full Sail is absolutely out of the question. But that’s besides the point. This saving money thing is important.

5. Car Almost Completely Paid Off – I didn’t shave a year or two off nor would I have been able to. But I can say it is almost there. I believe I have another two years and then I’m done. This was met I would say

6.  Higher Grades – Not met honestly. I got a B+, B, C and failed my Physics course.

7.  Get My Band into The Studio – Not met, we didn’t practice for months. We got together back in September and agreed to continue as a band. So at the moment it’s taking things one step at a time.

8.  Blog Name and Domain Name – Blog Name met, Blog Domain Name not met. Money has been tight so maybe this year I’ll be able to do this.

9. Be a Better Mixxer – Not met at all, and probably never will be. I’m finding it very hard for me to be active.

10. Finish my Card Game – Not met at all. But this spring I will be working on it and play testing so hopefully I can get this wrapped up.

Twenty-Ten New Years Resolution

All of this is in a specific order. From top priority to least priority.

1. Save Money - I’m really trying to save this time and to help me I signed up for mint.com. I’ve got my bank account and credit card account linked. So now I can set myself a budget since I can see everything in real time so to speak.

2. Lose Weight - Almost succeeded in 2009, this year I’m going to do it. I proved to myself in August I could shed 20lbs this time I want to do it again but lose even more weight and maintain it.

3. Grades - No more BSing or making certain classes a priority. I have to do well, I need to. It’s already bad enough I failed a class last semester. It’s time to turn that around and finish up.

4. Dancing - Proved in 2009 that I actually enjoy it. Now it’s time to improve it, and I don’t know maybe just suck it up and ask some one to dance without the fear of rejection? I did it last night after my friends kept saying “DO IT!” over and over again. While there was no success there just yet it won’t bring me down.

5. Social Interaction - Succeeded with this in 2009 and I can only continue to improve on it as mentioned in the review.

The list is much shorter this year, but I figured these were the essentials. Happy New Year everyone and I hope Twenty-Ten is good to all of you! I know so far it has been for me, my older brother just got married over this past weekend, only more good things can continue to come. When the road blocks come I’ll hit them with full force.